Whilst being independent is usually looked up to and glorified, it doesn’t necessarily make it a good trait to have in a relationship.
To most, an intimate relationship is one that offers freedom, security, support and one that allows you to grow as a person. But how is such a healthy and successful relationship achieved?
Whilst being independent is usually looked up to and glorified, it doesn’t necessarily make it a good trait to have in a relationship. Independence means that you ‘tell’ instead of ‘ask’. You take care of yourself financially, physically and spiritually while avoiding seeking help and support so you don’t appear weak. You keep your emotions to yourself because you fear being a burden to others and find it hard to let your guard down even around those close to you but no matter how hard you try you can’t avoid the reality that as humans we are wired to connect and fit in with others. It’s something we can’t avoid. So yes, even though being independent has its advantages, having an extreme level of independence can be harmful when in a position requiring dependence.
Now, dependence is normally viewed in a bad light, but it’s not as bad as you may think. A dependent couple tend to rely on each other for support and prioritise their relationship whilst still being able to enjoy life outside of it. With that being said, a dependent individual finds it hard to take responsibility for their actions when in the wrong and rely on others to guide them. They may even find difficulties making everyday life decisions which makes it questionable if they’re able to handle a relationship. On the complete opposite end we have co-dependence, which can be quite problematic.
Due to their low self-esteem, a co-dependent tries to please others at all times making them an easy target, as they’re always looking for approval from others. They have no sense of identity or interests outside their relationship and they struggle to understand their emotions. Quite the opposite of dependents, a co-dependent takes responsibility for the actions of others in fear of abandonment and disapproval of others. In order to have a healthy relationship you need to find the balance between all three, this is where interdependence comes in.
An interdependent relationship allows you to stay true to yourself and your interests without the fear that you will lose yourself in the relationship. The involved parties are able to depend on each other for support and affection while holding a sense of worth that isn’t dependent on their partners affection. Unlike co-dependence, interdependent couples aren’t “obsessed” with one another or “needy”, but rather they enjoy each other’s company, giving them space for vulnerability and growth. Those in such relationships tend to be active listeners, one of the most important factors that keeps the bond strong. Most conflicts in a relationship are caused by poor communication leading to trust issues and loneliness. As authored by Stephen Covey, in his popular work 7 Habits Of Highly Effective People, “seek first to understand, then to be understood”. Listening and engaging with your partner and understanding the ‘what’ and ‘why’s’ encourages them to reciprocate the behaviour, whilst also making them feel valued and heard. When done well, communication can create a long-lasting and pleasant relationship.
So to answer the title interdependence, is quite important to build a healthy relationship but in order for you to reach such level you need to work on combining both independent and dependent traits. For example, an independent trait such as enjoying solitude combined with dependent trait like valuing intimacy can create a interdependent trait. The quality of interdependence in a relationship relies on how merged your independence and dependence traits are. Once you’re able to achieve this, you’ll be on your way to becoming interdependent.
